Tonight I'm feeling really down. I don't know why, I honestly think it's a lot of little things that I'm just building up in my head. I know that surgery isn't going to change everything in my life and make things all magically better, but I feel like if I can get this one thing under control then I'll feel better about things. I don't think any of my friends or family really understands how I feel about this. I know they understand I want it, I know they understand that I don't want to wait to have it - but no one really gets why. And when they doubt I can do it, it makes me doubt that I can do it.
All my life I've been fat. Growing up I was ugly as well as fat (I can say this because well, hell it's true), but it was always the fat that bothered me. Now that I'm a little older, I'm a lot less ugly, but I'm still fat. I'm not sure if thin, 'normal' sized people realise what it's like to walk around in a body that doesn't fit. That's what it feels like to me. I'm stuck inside a body that just doesn't fit. When I look in the mirror I see the girl that I think I should be, the girl that's trapped inside all of this excess skin and fat and fabric. But then I look again, and I see what I really look like.
Everywhere I go I'm self concious about my body. I walk as fast as I can, hoping people wont look at me, hoping people aren't laughing at me. Whenever I hear someone laugh, I assume it's at me. It's incredibly narcissistic to think this way, I'm sure they have their own problems and probably haven't even noticed me. But the niggling voice in my head says that they have, and that they're laughing at me.
I just want to get to a point where I feel like I can walk across university without having that horrible feeling that people are staring. I want to know that boys don't instantly discount me because of my weight. In all honesty I'd rather that boys dont want to date me because of my personality than my looks. But it always seems to be my weight. I'm really, really tired of being the funny, fat girl. Being the girl with the good personality. Feeling like every day I have to do my hair and make up and agonise over what to wear - only to leave the house still feeling like crap and feeling self concious every day.
The funny thing is, I never used to feel like this. Until the day I picked up a wls pamphlet at the doctor's (I was there with a chest infection), I thought I was perfectly happy with the way I looked. It turned out I wasn't actually perfectly happy with the way I looked, I'd just buried these feelings because I thought there was nothing I could do about it. I'd just accepted that despite the fact that I kill myself at the gym 5 times a week and watch what I eat, I'd always be the fat girl. And with vsg I feel like someone's finally handed me a life raft.
That's what this feels like, a life saver. And on the one hand it's about finally being able to be seen for who I am and not what I weigh. But on the other hand it's about finally being able to feel invisible. Blessedly invisible and 'normal,' just another face in the crowd. For me I think that's one of the biggest things.
My mum asked me if I didn't want to wait till the end of the year instead of my current surgery date (June 10th!), and I just started crying. She told me she understood how it felt to be overweight and I just shook my head at her. I couldn't express what it was like to hear her say that. She struggled with losing ten kilos (20 poundsish), which she did, easily. I know that I need to lose at least 50 kilos (100 poundsish). More than that - she's had a chance to live her life. I've spent my life on the periphery, scared to put myself out there in situations where I'm the center of attention in case someone made fun of me for being fat. My fat makes me vulnerable, and I hate it so much.
So what is vsg for me? Vsg is an answer, a tool that's finally going to help me do the one thing I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember. And I'm terrified that it wont work, or that I'll screw it up and not lose the weight. I want to be one of the people on the boards helping other people lose weight like Tiffy, but I'm really terrified I'm going to end up on the failed weight loss boards, even more desperate than I am now.