Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Size versus reality

This blog post sort of has two prongs, but they both sort of veer back from the same place. I basically want to talk about that sneaky little bastard: your mind. See you think that once you have surgery your mind will be at rest, but that isn't true. See, while I know technically that I can only eat a small amount, my head has learned throughout years and years of training that I want the big portion.
Why are you so delicious?

You see that Wendy's chilli? That is a 'small' (I put that in quotation marks because really, it's a butt load of chilli) portion. Theoretically I know I can't eat all of it, and about half way through I will give it to one of my friends and force them to eat it. But yes... every time I order it, a nagging voice in my head goes 'but what if it doesn't fill you up?' No matter how many times I go through this process of ordering, and not being able to finish the chilli, that voice always remains. It's ridiculous!

If there's one thing I want to work on in 2011, I think it's learning to intuitively eat a bit more. Not completely - because lets face it, if I only ate when hungry, I'd never eat. But I'm going to really work on reminding myself 'if you are not full by the end of it, you can order more.' See that's the thing, food has always been associated with guilt for me. I'm either eating something I shouldn't and feeling bad about it, or wanting something I can't have and feeling bad about it. Why?

Food should be a pleasure. I had this surgery in order to get a normal life. Normal people don't feel bad about eating, trust me, I've asked my friends. But my head is my enemy all too often, and I feel honestly like I've spent my life at war with it. I don't want to be at war with myself anymore - who could POSSIBLY want that? So that is my goal - to have a ceasefire. And especially to learn to tell myself that food shouldn't make me feel bad, that it is a pleasure. If I get the small chilli and am still hungry, I will simply order some more, I will remind myself when that nagging voice comes.

Tell me guys, do you ever feel like you are at war with yourself?

Now onto the second prong of that nasty bastard that is my mind. Now funnily enough when I was at my heaviest - 286lbs, I never thought I was that big. And now that I'm nearly at goal, currently weighing in at 189 (THATS NEARLY 100 POUNDS WHOOOOO) I don't think I'm that small. How is that possible? 100 pounds difference and I still think I look the same. It's a pretty funny thing really - that my mind has convinced me I look the same as I did once. I think that in my mind I still think I have always, and still do, look somewhere in the middle.  Sadly guys, this one I actually don't know how to combat. If any of you have any answers - then I would be thrilled to hear them.

I think possibly it might be a matter of taking photos? I've taken two sets of photos so far, at 130kgs, at 100kgs, and so I think it's time to take another round soon but... you know... I am a lazy bones. And to be honest: I'm still scared of photos of myself. I'm still a bit frightened that photos will show I'm the same girl as I always was. I TOLD YOU GUYS, MY MIND IS A BASTARD.

My goodness, I have sworn a lot in this post - I'm not usually so liberal with the swearing, I promise guys. And anyway - this pathological fear of having photos taken of me is the next part of my new years resolution, because a few of my friends and I are starting up a style blog and it's going to involve getting my model on.

I'm actually curious, now that I've been talking about this for awhile: but what are your new years resolutions? They don't have to be weight loss related, but I am interested to know where other peoples heads are at in 2011. Don't be shy!